Self-sabotage

Self-sabotage: behaviour which is said to be creating problems and interfering with long-standing goals.

I had a job interview on Tuesday, I think it went well; I dressed up in clothes I feel uncomfortable in, put on make-up (which I hate), styled my hair in a manner which gave me a headache after a couple of hours, and travelled across to the nearest city to sit and be verbally examined by a total stranger.

I started the job search when they announced some changes at work that I both disagree with and find troublesome, but I have to be honest when I say that while I applied for a lot in the first two weeks of my search I did not expect to be called in for interview quite so soon.  This in itself set off my little worry bots and ever since the first interview I have been feeling anxious and more than a little stressed.

At said interview, when I asked, “when am I likely to hear about the second interview?” I was told, “you won’t hear anything until at least the end of this week…and then second interviews will be next week, we’re hoping to get a short list of two.”  At this point I know they weren’t planning on seeing anyone else at least that day so colour me more than surprised (and puke-inducing nervous) when I get a call the VERY NEXT DAY.

Yesterday afternoon (yes, the next day) I get a call from the agency I applied through “They want to see you again,” they tell me.  At this point I’m thinking that’s fine, a week to prepare and all will be well, nerves will be under control and I will have spoken with the new manager… “They would like to see you on Friday at 11,” they then tell me. “Danger Ianthe,” my worry bots then yell at me, running around in my head with flashing red lights going off insanely.

Oh crap goes my brain immediately.  I freak a little, speak with my manager and let him know (he’s fine with it) and then my stomach decides it’s going to get in on the action.  I was fine about it all until I realised that while not the ideal job, no future prospects and only multitudes of horrendous changes ahead, my current place of work has been very good to me with my health issues.  I am talking about going back to the drawing board, starting new somewhere else…there will be no more “I have a doctor’s appointment, I need to work from home…” there will be “I have a doctor’s appointment…” great, you have 10 days holiday, use one of those…

Am I self-sabotaging with these thoughts?  Am I making problems where there aren’t any with my current workplace?  Even my line manager says that the new department changes spell doom for us…so he’s starting to look…but hasn’t done anything yet.  The new job sounds like a good challenge, but the more I think about it the more I freak out and wonder if it’s not right for me.  Does all this doubt mean that I should be fair and say that I am not going to the second interview, or should I go and then hope that if they do offer me the job they at least wait until after the weekend to do so?

I am due to have an operation in 3 weeks…my boss goes on holiday shortly after, am I putting him in a difficult position by considering leaving right now?  Am I being fair?  Am I the only person who has freakouts like this about something that I should be okay with?  Right now I just want to throw up and hide in a corner until someone else makes the decision for me, but the job market is horrendous right now so being made redundant could be a disaster!

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