Never in a thousand years did I think I would ever say this, but is it just me that thinks this week has (so far at least) gone very quickly?
I woke up this morning and realised that it was Wednesday. As I was standing under the shower I counted the days until Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a Christmas lover, not actually bothered about the day, it’s meaning or anything, or even the presents…if I get a pair of shoes from my sister you will be able to hear me scream all the way over in Australia…but I am looking forward to the two weeks I will have off work.
Yep, that’s right, two weeks. Granted not all of that time will be for fun, I do have a considerable amount of study to get through, with a few essays due in over the first few weeks of the new year, but I will be spending some time with my sister’s children, including taking the oldest (and probably the youngest) to see Eragon and A Night in the Museum both films that they have expressed a considerable amount of interest in.
As always at this time of year, I force myself to go through the year and put together a list of everything that has happened, all the positives and negatives (seeing if I can’t make it balance somehow). Of course, as with everyone, my year has been full of pitfalls that made me cry (a lot), but a few good things have happened, things that I have worked bloody hard towards, like passing my exams (granted the grade wasn’t wonderful, but it was a pass) and coping extremely (if I do say so myself) well with the pressure of doing the work of two people while someone has been off sick at the office.
I have also managed to maintain an online friendship with a man – who at least has a semblance of interest in me as a woman rather than just another friend who can talk about movies and books and sci-fi tv. I know that this sounds totally peculiar as an achievement, but for those of you that don’t know me that well, there is a reason why I consider this to be a particularly important achievement. For those of you that do know me, you know why I am proud of myself for this feat, and it has been very hard to not cut him off (although we have still yet to meet in person, we speak at least 2x a week Ronda, don’t giggle and appear to have a pretty good friendship – of course I am the crappiest judge of male character in existence, and to me the majority of them remain complete and total bastards) and run away screaming. Admittedly I have still yet to take the last step and take him up on the offer of meeting, but this is a safer prospect for me and I don’t quite trust myself yet.
Hearing “You’re fat…” and “No wonder you’re single…” from my family for the last decade has done a considerable amount of damage to my already low self-esteem and I am severely lacking in self-confidence. Now, I am not saying that there is anything wrong in being single, because I am relatively happy having been this way for so long, what I can’t cope with is the criticism that they use as their way of being “concerned about you…” I wonder if they will ever realise positive reinforcement is the way to go, and that without the constant diets I was put on through my teens because I was all of a size 10 I wouldn’t have anywhere near the issues with my weight that I do now. Not everyone can be a fricking size 6 can they?
There are a few things, looking at the above, which I really seriously have to do in the new year. One of them, and really one of the most important ones, is losing weight. I know, I know…I should do this for myself, not because of the criticism…and believe me, I am. My main problem has always been that I like food – I love the taste and smell of a well-baked croissant, or pie, or cake, or loaf of bread, or casserole, or – well, you get the picture. My other problem is the fact that food doesn’t like me. I am not even five foot tall, my metabolism isn’t worth shit and I spend all day (and much of the evening) sitting in front of a computer, either working in the office, or studying/surfing the internet. I hate exercise, I hate the sheer monotony of it, push back, push forward, never getting anywhere, and when you walk you can’t read. I know that I need to find something that I like, but no matter what I have tried in the past I have grown bored in a matter of weeks (gym, dance classes, exercise classes, yoga, pilates, walking, jogging, swimming…the list is endless) and settled back into the routine of getting the bus home from work, walking in the door and settling down in front of the tv for the rest of the evening. I know this isn’t going to help me at all, not now nor in the long run. I keep on thinking “If I tried this…” or “If I tried that…” but then I realise I would be spending money I seriously don’t have. My nan keeps on suggesting Weight Watchers, but I don’t have money to spend to go to a room once a week to stand on scales. I know, I have been there before. The classes cost £6 a week (which to some isn’t much, but to me is almost a week’s transport to work). What I need to do first is cut calorie intake, then start on the exercise when it doesn’t hurt so much…God this is depressing, but it is wholly necessary.
Every year at this time I become introspective and every new year I start the year with good intentions; a diet that lasts four weeks (in which I lose about half a stone), and exercise that lasts maybe a week longer than that…and then I put on the weight I lost and about a stone more, and this has been the damaging cycle for so long it’s almost expected.
I am not fooling myself, I know it needs to be done, I know that I need to lose weight. It’s not going to make me a better person, but it might (and this is only a might…) make the relationship with my mum more bearable, and give me a little bit more confidence in myself, and will also help (with any luck) resolve some of the self-induced health problems that I have which are purely weight-related. I know that it will take a long time to lose the weight I have gained since I split with my last boyfriend (11 years…), and I know that putting the weight on was much easier than taking it off is ever going to be…but if I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror at some point before my 35th birthday (2008) then I seriously need to do something and stop procrastinating about it as I procrastinate about absolutely everything else I do (apart from sitting on my big fat ass and watching tv).
I know it’s early, but I have already put together my list of :
1. Lose weight (anyone any ideas about how I can do that without getting absolutely depressed about the fruitlessness from week to week feel free to let me know)
2. Finish any one of the ten half-written original stories I have on my hdd
3. Make some sort of effort to socialise more
4. Try and build a better relationship with my family (however much I gripe about them they are the only family I will ever have – in some cases I am going to add the word ‘unfortunately’)
Wow, this post ended up being a considerable amount longer than I intended, but then I obviously had a lot more to say than I first thought.