I could title this post something snazzy to make you read it, but that’s not why I am posting this, it is therapy.
I woke up this morning feeling anything but rested and realised that, yet again, I am in the sort of emotional mood that requires me to actually force myself to do everything.
I had my shower and all the way through it all I could think was “I don’t want to be out of bed yet” and it’s not because I’m tired, really it isn’t. I just want to hide from everything today. I have been sort of getting on all right at work, sometimes I have nothing to do and resort to writing something totally inappropriate for the office, but on the whole I am doing fine there. I just didn’t want to get up and be forced to leave the house.
All the way through my shower I was thinking: “My life sucks immensely” and for no apparent reason. Sure I have a job I hate (I can probably count on the fingers of one hand the people I know who actually really love their jobs). Sure I have no money (does anyone in the days when the cost of living is probably a quarter more than the salaries most earn?), but more importantly I can’t see that optimists light at the end of the tunnel anymore.
I think that I have been very good at pretending all is well. I can smile with the best of them, and even laugh at the stupid little things that life keeps throwing at me, but yesterday I suddenly realised I am just too tired. It’s not just one little thing, or even one huge thing, it’s lots of tiny things.
I read through all of my flist regularly, some people’s ljs are bookmarked and I am astounded at your strength. Life deals you shit and you keep going. Me? It just takes me waking up feeling in the wrong mood for me to fall apart. This is my singular emotional outlet. I have a few very good friends who would listen to me moan and whine and bitch about absolutely nothing, but that isn’t something I want to do every single time I wake up in the wrong frame of mind.
Oh well, another day at work and then it is the weekend. Not that that makes me feel any better. I just wish I didn’t feel so moody and crappy all the frigging time. The meds are meant to help, just right now, they don’t seem to be doing much of anything at all.