I woke up this morning and the first thought I had wasn’t “Oh god it’s work today” or “I am tired” or even “I am fed up” it was “Is this all there is? Is this what I am destined to do for the rest of my life?”.
Monday-Friday 47 weeks of the year. I am terrified that I am going to be nothing more than what I am for the rest of my life and it is almost enough for me to contemplate suicide.
It’s not so much that I hate my job (which in essence I guess I do), it’s more that I am unsatisfied. I am doing all I can to change it, but as with all changes, it will take time, and time is something that while I have it, I don’t want to waste it away.
Life isn’t worthless, I have seen the sadness in my mum as she realises that she isn’t going to live to see my sister’s kids grow up, but at the same time, if this is all there is to it then really…what is the point? We get up in the morning, go to work in some office/shop/construction site/whatever, go home, eat dinner, watch a bit of tv (maybe interact with the people we share living space with) and go to bed, only to get up to do it all over again the next day. Seriously, is that all there is meant to be?
Okay, I am lonely. I have come to the conclusion that around this time of year I get introspective, depressed and start weighing things up in both hands. This time last year I decided I wanted to be a teacher (well, maybe a bit later) and now, I am six months closer to the dream, but it is still almost a lifetime away. I am nearly 32, still very single (something I tell everyone is the way I want it to be, but who the hell am I trying to kid, I want someone to hold me when I need to be held, I want someone to actually give a crap that I am exhausted and want to snuggle and cry because my day has been shit) and I am desperate. Yep, that’s right, I am desperate.
I keep on looking at my friends and think to myself, I am not jealous (which I really am not), but I want something like that. I want to find someone I can meld with on a mental stage, someone who shares some of my interests (because let us be realistic here, finding someone who shares all of them would be frightening). I don’t mind if this person is a friend who I can hang out with on the weekends (because they are getting very repetitive; homework, sleep, online chat – which while great is limited to the afternoon/evening hours).
Oh God, this is getting maudlin, I am going to sign off before I force half the northern hemisphere to jump off bridges…