Disturbed

I am caught today by the inexplicable need to smother myself with a pillow. I know, I won’t do it, but every few moments this evening I have been feeling this immense need to just hide in a corner until the rest of my life goes away.

It’s not just today, it’s a mix of a lot of things, this horrid feeling that I have done nothing worthwhile with my life, chronic rows with my nan and just a general feeling of life malaise.

I am having a pity party in my head today, but I know that if I am not extremely careful I am going to sink back into the deathly trap of extreme depression that I remember with an abject fondness from last year.

I don’t know quite what to do to make myself feel better. Every time I think that things are on the up – like the letter about a job interview – work gets increasingly worse, there’s a horrendous row at home or my hormones kick in.

Perhaps this is just my hormones, or I have had a bad day, but I have felt myself sinking into this strange morose mood for a while. I am dragging myself out of bed every morning after listening to a very loud alarm for over an hour and pasting on my fake smile every single day, but it is getting harder and harder. I wish that the building I work in would just burn down, I also wish that I had booked more holiday.

Maybe I am just in need of a break, a holiday that isn’t taken so I can go to another job interview – and there is the centre of my problem…All these job interviews that seem to just be going nowhere. Am I the going nowhere?

Oh, I am feeling shit, I have spent the majority of the evening in tears and wondering why I gave my painkillers back to the doctor. Right now an escape in some form sounds like a really good idea.

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2 Replies to “Disturbed”

  1. Oh dear. Everyone feels like this. Mine’s more a feeling of suffocation… like my life had closed in on me. You have worth, and even if only one other person on the planet thinks that, it’s more than enough. You matter. Anyone who writes matters somewhere to someone. I happen to be one of your someones, ok.

    *HUGS*

    Like

    1. Thank you. I have done one positive thing today, I called my shrink, unfortunately he’s on vacation, but I did it anyway. I just feel generally low, it’s not so much my worth as it is everything else. I really hate my life at the moment and feel like there is no way out of it how ever hard I look…hopefully it will get better when I finally get a new job!

      Like

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