I am caught today by the inexplicable need to smother myself with a pillow. I know, I won’t do it, but every few moments this evening I have been feeling this immense need to just hide in a corner until the rest of my life goes away.
It’s not just today, it’s a mix of a lot of things, this horrid feeling that I have done nothing worthwhile with my life, chronic rows with my nan and just a general feeling of life malaise.
I am having a pity party in my head today, but I know that if I am not extremely careful I am going to sink back into the deathly trap of extreme depression that I remember with an abject fondness from last year.
I don’t know quite what to do to make myself feel better. Every time I think that things are on the up – like the letter about a job interview – work gets increasingly worse, there’s a horrendous row at home or my hormones kick in.
Perhaps this is just my hormones, or I have had a bad day, but I have felt myself sinking into this strange morose mood for a while. I am dragging myself out of bed every morning after listening to a very loud alarm for over an hour and pasting on my fake smile every single day, but it is getting harder and harder. I wish that the building I work in would just burn down, I also wish that I had booked more holiday.
Maybe I am just in need of a break, a holiday that isn’t taken so I can go to another job interview – and there is the centre of my problem…All these job interviews that seem to just be going nowhere. Am I the going nowhere?
Oh, I am feeling shit, I have spent the majority of the evening in tears and wondering why I gave my painkillers back to the doctor. Right now an escape in some form sounds like a really good idea.