I hate this place! I have been sitting at my desk all day without a break – I have managed to take a grand total of 10-minutes to myself all day, this includes toilet breaks, and I am fed up! I want to go home, stick my head under the covers and not come out from under them until the world blows away.
Today has been more horrid than any other mostly because I am filled with chronic self-doubt. I was over the moon last week, having received notification that I had an interview with another company “At last,” I thought, “a chance to get out of the hellish situation I am currently in”, but having spoken to my mum, or rather been told how “Immature, pathetic and unlikely” I am to get another job because of my sick record (yep, because haemorrhaging, repetitive sinus infections and a trapped nerve in my thigh are normal illnesses that everyone gets and suffer from all the time) I am now wondering why I even bother getting out of bed at all.
I know that it’s not going to be easy. I am not living in delusion-land where everyone wants to give me a job, where I am eminently employable and people will be jumping all over me the moment I join an agency – I have long since grown past those beliefs, but I like to think my computer skills, 2 languages, typing speed, accuracy and time keeping are meriting looking at twice, right?
The fact that my own mother is the one who felt the need to humiliate me in a public place, detract from my good mood – I had felt hope for the first time in a long while – and generally talk to me as though I was a child who hadn’t lived in the real world for the last 15 years or more actually hurt.
I got home Saturday night, having taken Josh to the cinema to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory feeling decidedly low and went as far as to have a good few healthy slugs of rum in my coke. Overall I can’t help wondering WHAT I did to make my mum hate me so much. She may dispute having this feeling towards me, but when I get hit with such derogative bile I am unable to see it as anything else.
How many people hear the words “You are a failure…you never follow through with anything…you’re lucky to have what you’ve got don’t bother trying for anything else…” and are expected to put up with it?
I have tried so hard for the last goodness knows how long to get my mum to accept me for what I am…it is with pain that I admit this will never happen and I have just got to stop trying. In the end I am going to be the one who has to regret not being closer to her, but the more I try to become something she wants me to be the more I lose of myself.
Yes, it sounds dramatic, but no, I don’t think I am exaggerating when I say that no matter the fact that we are related and love each other, it does not automatically go on to make us friends, something I doubt very much we will ever be. I know that my mum is ill, and I can cut her slack for that, but this does not mean that I can excuse her making me feel as though I am completely worthless. Should it?