Following on from my post of the other day I have realised several things that I hadn’t thought about before – or really I should say, haven’t thought about in a while.
1. I am borderline depressed
2. I am always borderline depressed
3. My job doesn’t challenge me in the slightest
4. My job bores me to the point where I could willingly throw my computer out of a window
5. I need a new job
6. To get a new job I need new qualifications
7. I feel like I am getting old
8. I am getting old!
9. I have no real social life. Sure I meet friends occasionally, I sometimes even speak to them on the phone, but my life is ruled by the internet. Most of my friends are ones I speak to using AIM, Yahoo, MSN, or e-mail
10. This is by far the worst realisation, I have nothing at all to show for the last 31 years.
The reason I am writing this is that today my nan said something to me that scared the shit out of me. “You CHOSE your job.” Did I really choose my job, or did I fall in to it and fail to find a way out? The more I think about it all, the complexity that is life and the boredom that is my life, the more I wonder why I didn’t take the pills that I stockpiled, in fact the more I wonder why I didn’t do it years ago.
I know that this is all very depressing, and according to some (who will remain nameless) I can do something about it. I just don’t know what to do. I know that I am unhappy in what I do, where I live and everything else about my life, but is it really that easy to change it? I can’t just say one day “Hmm, think I’ll quit my job and find another one, oh, and miraculously all of my student loans are paid off so I can now move out of Granny’s and pay for a 1-bed (on average £600 a month) flat (my take home is only just over £1000 a month and after bills etc there would be nothing left for anything vital like food). Believe me, if it were easy I know I would have done it before I started having recurring fantasies about blowing up my office or stabbing my nan in the back of the head with a screwdriver. I am not a violent person, at least I never used to be, but every once in a while things happen and I realise that I could be!
I am starting to make changes, but they are so slow, the teaching course I want to do, that will hopefully change my life, takes nearly 6 years (as I would have to study part time while working full time).
I guess what I really want to know is (three-part):
1. How many people are actually happy with the job they do?
2. If you aren’t happy do you feel like you are trapped where you are?
3. Do you feel that you actually CHOSE your job/situation or did you fall into it?
Wow, talk about a lot of venting. I never realised until I put it all down how much bile I had in my system…it definitely all came up there!